Tonight is my last night in my apartment.
I didn’t really see it coming. No one from my program really celebrated our last night together.
Like…I knew this was coming, but I didn’t expect it to happen today.
It kind of just happened. The end. We haven’t even really talked about it much, or at all. It’s one in the morning, and I only just realized that its my last night in the apartment. I think an hour ago.
I don’t exactly know how I am supposed to feel. It has been a hard couple of last weeks with some amazing, insanely meaningful moments. It has been one summary after another. One closing discussion leading into the next. One more moment where I realized just moments after it happened, that that might have been the very last time I am able to do this.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad.
I said goodbye to my kids in my moadonit, today. And my heart is truly broken. Those kids were one of the most important parts in my year. I walked a group of the kids home afterwords, because they lived close to my apartment, and bought them all ice cream. I didn’t realize until after the ice cream choosing chaos ended how it was my last time with these kids. And next year, they will get someone else. Another American on Bina Gap Year. Because that is how life works.
I know I sat here a year ago, telling myself to enjoy every moment – because the end of the year will be here before I know it … and here I am, wondering if I succeeded.
A drawback of not fully understanding Hebrew is that everything I am experiencing seems like it is behind some sort of screen. I feel slow and sluggish. And that I only got half of what was said. So when we had our ending ceremony or our last classes or even the last volunteering time, I felt like it came so suddenly and had no buildup. Almost like its not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
Either way, a year later, I find myself back where I started. At one in the morning, a week before my return to Saratoga or the start of the rest of my life – apprehensive. I do not know what is going to come next. I do not know what I actually want to do in university and I am so scared about loosing my relationships with the amazing people I have met this year.
I know I will figure everything out, but I cannot help but to have all the ideas we never did and all the last things I wanted to do one more time floating in my head. And I hope this does not turn into regret. So, in times like these, I think the best comfort I can hope for right now is that my memories will be of all the best times I had this year. And that I continue to grab as many moments now as I can.
So today is my last night in my apartment. And I am celebrating it. My way. Know that this year was formative and important. And every moment is influencial for me. Despite the barriers I have.